Flawed Design
by Elliesmile
Summary: Everyone has a flawed design. As it turns out, Bilbo Baggins' flaw is the fact that he had never considered 'Falling In Love' as an option. Love often wasted time. Time that could be spent on more pressing matters. Whatever was he to do when two equally beautiful women begin squabling for his attention? Bilbo/OC
1. Bilbo Baggins: A very unlikely hero

Since reaching the bottom of the large rocky outcrop the eagles had left them on, the company had been travelling through relatively peaceful but ultimately boring areas of woodland. Along the way they had encountered numerous villages and farms. Most of which had been abandoned by the wisest of creatures, wood elves, dwarves and the like had sensibly evacuated the areas they held most dear In order to escape with their lives. Whilst only the humans remained in the shadow of what they now called 'Smaugs Peak'

"Why haven't they moved onwards?" Bilbo asked Gandalf, as they neared the dimmed torches of another village's border gate "Surely they want to live?"

Gandalf nodded "Humans are foolish, they will not leave until they see their own families being torched before their very eyes"

Bilbo frowned and his mouth pressed into a thin line as he thought. This particular village seemed rather grim and dirty and according to a comment from Thorin earlier is was synonymous with theft, slavery and prostitution. And, after finding out what the latter was via a rather disturbing and vivid description from Kili, Bilbo decided it was not the sort of place he wanted to be at all.

He was snapped out of his daydreams by a loud bell ringing as he passed a midnight marketplace selling all sorts of things. There were people offering leaves to smoke in a pipe that, from closer observation, would probably be a little too strong for Bilbo. There were drinks that could knock people out cold as well as animals and birds in cages, ready for the slaughter. As Bilbo passed alleyways he saw girls who, were in his opinion, very inappropriately dressed.

"What are they doing there?" He asked shyly to Bifur who shook his head sadly and pityingly at the same time

"They're the working girls, my dear young hobbit" he declared "Remember what Kili mentioned earlier?"

Bilbo stared at them sadly and behind the painted red smiles and thick alabaster make-up their eyes shone with sadness and bitterness

"Don't look for too long" Bifur warned "They'll think you're looking for service and then they will not leave you alone"

Bilbo averted his gaze and continued to stare at the cobbled streets. He could see starving children and the ill, being forced out of their own homes. He saw market sellers and he saw more working girls but he saw no happiness anywhere he looked. Eventually the group split up and went in search of an inn to rest for the night and Bilbo glumly followed Nori.

Half an hour later and the party re-assembled in the centre of town to share what they had found

"Nothing" Thorin stated grimly "Anything from you?"

The others shook their heads and gave their verdict individually

"Nothing" Bombur stated rubbing his gargling stomach

Kili shook his head "Same here"

Nori spoke up "Our young master Baggins here was propositioned by no less than 5 working girls but other than that, nothing"

The party raised their eyebrows at Bilbo who simply squinted back angrily

"I thought we weren't going to mention that" he huffed and Nori just shrugged back at him

"And you didn't take any of them up on the offer?" Fili winked playfully

Bilbo gave an embarrassed huff and the dwarves chuckled between themselves

"I'm a hobbit!" the flustered man insisted "And we do everything with dignity including…that! A hobbit would only ever…sleep with another person for love" there was a pause "…that includes me"

The dwarves blinked at him slowly and laughed "Don't get all flustered" Fili smiled "We meant nothing by it."

Bilbo nodded "Good" He declared "Fine…that's good"

They continued to mill around, waiting for dawn to begin creeping up from behind the walls of the town. As daylight began to filter through cracks in the rock and the market place packed away the dwarves began to move out

Suddenly Bilbo heard a scream and a woman bolted past him. She was roughly his own height with no shoes and ripped and torn clothing. Two men tore after her down the street and the towns people did nothing to help as she was forced to the ground and Bilbo watched as the two men began to bash her head on the dirty cobble stones

Bilbo glanced at her, horrified as she tried to thrash out at her attackers and they promptly stopped to leer at her

"I don't have money!" she shrieked and they proceeded to choke her with their hands, cutting off the oxygen to her lungs

"STOP!" Bilbo cried, sprinting over, simply unable to watch this and ignore it any longer "Leave her!"

Her body fell limp on the ground and her eyes fluttered closed as the two men strolled up to Bilbo. He realised he had made mistake instantly as he noted the men were ridiculously tall and probably willing to fight anyone

"I'm warning you!" Bilbo pointed, attempting to sound threatening "Back off"

"Or what?" one of the men sneered

There was a clunk as a club whacked him around the head and another one as his skull hit his friends' and they fell to the floor, out cold

"Thanks Balin" the hobbit noted as the dwarf packed his club into his belt

The shy hobbit rushed over to the small girl on the ground. She was tiny and as he attempted to drag her across the cobblestones he realised even this could shatter her fragile looking bones

Balin took her legs whilst Bilbo held under her arms and they carried her between them to re-join the rest of the company who had stopped just outside the village walls to wait for them

Thorin grunted in irritation as he saw the two men appear with a girl carried between them

"Oh good gods!" The dwarf prince muttered "What have you done now, hobbit"

"Me?" Bilbo asked, glancing around "I didn't bash her head on the ground and attempt to rape her!"

The company muttered between themselves

"Well…" Kili smirked "You may be an odd little hobbit, but we can't see you trying something like that!"

"Well, obviously!" Bilbo stated strongly with a hint of sarcasm in his voice "Now, can someone give us a hand carrying her?"

Kili rolled his eyes and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder

"Urmmm…no" Bilbo stated strongly "Put her down. You are not carrying her like that!"

Kili blinked and dropped her on the floor roughly "What was I doing wrong?"

Bilbo shook his head "She may require at least a little dignity, you know?"

Thorin rolled his eyes and sighed "It is useless doing anything until she wakes up" he mumbled, setting his bedding roll down "We shall camp here for the night"

The company had stopped in a small clearing in the woodland that was green and soft. A tiny river bubbled and gurgled at the edge of the tree line and the stars could be seen smiling down at them. Bilbo sighed happily. It reminded him of the Shire and how it was friendly and inviting and…

His thoughts were cut off as a scream erupted behind him. He spun around and raised an eyebrow as he saw the helpless girl running around like a mad thing, hurling rocks and stones at the dwarves who were simply standing still in bewilderment

"Get away!" she screamed, hurling another pebble that hit Bofur square on the head and he grunted in annoyance

The hobbit watched as she continued to shriek in horror and then she fell over sobbing

"Get away" she cried, her voice getting weaker and defeated

His heart ached at the sight and he walked over slowly and when he was only a metre away he crouched down to her level

"My name is Bilbo Baggins" he said slowly and carefully as the girl peeked out from behind her curled up legs "I'm a hobbit. You're safe with me"

He moved closer and offered his hand out to her. She slowly uncurled herself and held onto his hand tightly as he sat next to her

"These dwarves" he said, gesturing around him "They're my friends. They want to try and help you get better but you have to let them. Can you do that?"

The girl nodded slowly but gripped tighter to his hand as the dwarves came closer. They tended to the wound on her head, made her drink water and offered cloaks and blankets to keep her warm. The whole time she clung tighter and tighter to Bilbo's arms, nearly cutting off the circulation to his hand

"What's your name?" Bilbo asked her carefully

She glanced over at him and smiled slowly "Enara"

Bilbo smiled "Enara? That's pretty. Where are you from?"

She visibly blushed at the compliment "I travelled from Bree to visit my cousins. They had left the town by the time I got there and I didn't know where to go" she paused "And then…those men…"

Bilbo shushed her carefully and put his arms around her, trying to distract Enara from the painful memories "Are you a hobbit too?" he asked

Enara shook her head "I don't know what I am" she looked at him up and down "I've never met a hobbit before!"

Bilbo smiled "Never?"

She remained silent and giggled as she glanced at his feet. Compared to hers they were comically huge and hilariously furry.

Bilbo just grinned to himself "You should sleep, Enara"

She nodded slowly and wandered over to where the dwarves had laid out her bed earlier. She pulled the blanket over herself just as the hobbit did the same next to her.

He may not have single handedly saved her, but Bilbo had never felt more of a hero in his life…


	2. Accidental Perv Hobbit

Bilbo woke up and tried to peer through his fogged up eyes. He blinked rapidly and let the last remainders of sleep clear from his eyes. He glanced over to see that Ebara was not in her bedding roll

"Enara?" He asked, sitting bolt upright "Enara?"

The dwarves, who were sat around the early morning campfire, chuckled between themselves

"Calm down hobbit" Balin smiled "She's gone for a walk. You should go and find her"

The hobbit nodded and set off. He didn't bother pulling his waistcoat over his shirt and he removed his braces after realising there was no need for wearing them any longer. He strolled briskly to the bottom of the clearing where Balin had pointed and behind the thick trees, towards the small, clear pond

"Enara?" he called out and stopped dead in his tracks

She was right in front of him. In the pond. Wearing nothing

It was only fortunate she was submerged from the shoulders down

"Enara!" he yelled "Are you sure that's…appropriate?"

She turned around and frowned at him "It would have been if you weren't looking at me!"

The hobbit nodded quickly "Right…well…I'll just go…"

He stumbled quickly backwards and up into the clearing where he found the dwarves falling about in hysterics

"Why didn't you tell me she was bathing?" Bilbo cried, pointing at them accusingly as they continued to roar with laughter "That was so awkward!"

Kili straightened up "Sorry Bilbo" he sniggered "We couldn't help ourselves"

Bilbo muttered something unintelligible to himself and walked over to gather what was left of the soup for his own breakfast. This was going to be a very long quest…

_**(A Note To My Lovely Readers:**_

_**Thanks for reading. I know this chapter is quite short but I have a Boxing Day party (ooh, aren't I just the social butterfly ;D) I would love you to review the story please and let me know what you think so far. **_

_**It is quite depressing when you find 90 people read the first chapter and nobody reviewed it**_

_**Love always, Ellie x)**_


	3. The un-whorish hobbit

_**(This is a small update my lovelies but I only have 30 minutes and I really got annoyed thinking that the dwarves didn't seem to want to understand Hobbit culture. So why not educate them? :D)**_

Bilbo sat on the old log in the watery cold sunlight thinking to himself. He glanced over at the dwarves and then back up at the sky before he did a double take and looked back, noticing that Kili and Fili were staring at him

"What?" Bilbo asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at the two brothers

They shook their heads "Nothing" they grinned at the same time and Bilbo knew something was up

"Come on" he insisted "Tell me"

The brothers glanced at each other before Kili sighed

"Why don't hobbits sleep around?" he asked, keeping a perfectly straight face

"What!?" Bilbo asked, not quite believing his ears "I'm sorry. Did you just say 'Why don't hobbits sleep around?'?"

The two brothers nodded

"Yeah" shrugged Fili "Dwarves don't see it as a problem but from what you said yesterday it sounded like one of those really boring 'No sex before marriage things'. Is that what hobbits believe?"

Bilbo shook off his disbelief "Well…yes" he stated "We're not particularly…physical people, as you might say" he stopped and watched as Fili and Kili seemed transfixed on discovering more which, Bilbo thought, was borderline perversion "That sort of thing is only used for…having children. And naturally if you're not married than you can't have children and if you've not got children then you obviously haven't…"

Kili interrupted "Are you seriously telling me that you've never ever…"

Bilbo cut him off "Ahhhhh!" he yelled loudly "That's…quite enough of that. You can keep your conclusions to yourself"

"BILBO BAGGINS IS A VIRGIN!" Fili screamed as loudly as he could and the other dwarves glanced up from their various activities

"For goodness sake!" Bilbo exclaimed, burying his head in his one hand and frowning to himself "Did you really have to announce that?"

The two brothers glanced at each other, mischief twinkling in their eyes "Don't you want Enara to know?"

"No I don't want…" he stopped and looked up "Wait, what?"

But he was too late as the brothers had already scrambled up and set off at a sprint to tell Enara what they had learned in order to embarrass the hobbit further

Bilbo Baggins yelled in shock and hurried after them, wishing he'd never set foot out of Hobbiton…


	4. Warg training, and other extreme sports

_**(Once again lovelies, I HAVE RETURNED! I bring you another time restricted chapter. This chapter can't take longer than 22.56 minutes and so, I will make haste! Please enjoy! This is also dedicated to **_JustKeepWriting21 _**for their awesome ability to keep up a conversation with me without having their brain dribble out through their ears)**_

Bilbo chased after the two dwarves and found he was getting rather slow. He was not an unfit hobbit, that much was certain. Bilbo could certainly pin this on his own stupidity during his teen years as his father had so often complained of him skipping out his second breakfast!

Just as Bilbo thought all hope was lost, and the ridiculous boys had got away, they came charging back up the hill, a look of utter terror on their faces

"Wargs!" Kili yelled and Bilbo stopped and turned around swiftly as the two biggest dogs he had ever seen broke through the edge of the woodlands and into their clearing. They shook away chunks of leaf and mud and galumphed ungracefully towards the dwarves and the hobbit

Bilbo cursed his stupidity at leaving their weapons around the fire and just made it halfway up the hill before crashing into the other dwarves, who had already tripped over Fili and Kili and were lying in a heap

"Why are you down here?!" Bilbo shrieked trying to scramble up and over the lump of dwarves "Where are your weapons?!"

Thorin got up swiftly "We heard the shout and assumed you had fallen in the lake, Hobbit. It seemed like the sort of thing you'd do. Thus we assumed we would need no weapons"

The hobbit paused, quite forgetting the imminent danger "You _all_ came to save me?"

"Save you?" Bofur asked, hauling himself up "No, we came to watch you. It would have been fairly entertaining…"

Before Bilbo could protest at the irresponsibility and likelihood of death that would be involved in watching someone drown he realised the two large Wargs had surrounded them and were circling the 13 dwarves and the hobbit. Who were defenceless. With no weapons

Bilbo curled his hands around his eyes, waiting for serrated teeth to sink into his legs but instead he felt a rush of wind as something passed him. He opened his eyes

A very damp looking Enara had just dashed into the camp brandishing a large tree branch

"SIT!" she screeched loudly, placing herself between the Wargs and their prey

The two large canines stopped snarling and stood still. They stared in confusion at the tiny girl in front of them who was waving a large twig in their faces

"I said SIT!" she screamed and they sat down abruptly stopping in front of her

Enara then proceeded to point a finger at them "Go!"

The two animals looked as if they were about to leave and one actually turned to go whilst the other one came to its senses and began to snarl again

Enara tutted to herself and proceeded to thwack it on the nose with the stick. It whimpered and backed off into the woods, its tail hanging between its legs

The dwarves were completely silent and Bilbo reminded himself to at least attempt to breath

Enara shrugged and frowned as he damp hair began to soak through her dress "It wasn't that hard" she stated

Bilbo raised an eyebrow "You just told a pair of the blood thirstiest guard dogs I have ever seen to 'sit' Is that a normal ability?"

Enara huffed in embarrassment "Oh, please!" her cheeks turned an attractive shade of pink "They were outcast anyway. They were probably kicked out of the pack for challenging the alpha male. Wargs like that have extremely low self-esteem. They'll listen to any direct order they hear"

The hobbit blinked after noting that she was describing the two beasts as if they were people.

The dwarves had already vowed silently never to mention the whole incident again; for fear that a woman would be hailed as more war worthy than they were

But Bilbo only made a promised to himself. He swore he would never cross that girl, for fear of having his spleen ripped out through his throat…

_**(Yes dearies. I did, in fact, insert**_** '**_spleen ripped out through his throat' __**as a 'Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy' quote. You should watch that. It's ace!)**_


	5. Slap a bitch, win a hobbit

_**(I suddenly realised one very important thing this story was missing… a good bitch fight! So I thought I'd throw one in :D)**_

"Where's Kili?" Bilbo asked and the other dwarves shrugged and continued to stroll along on their way

"He went of the trail about 20 minutes back" Bofur stated "He said something about meeting up with an old friend in the last village we passed"

"He means to bring him along too" Thorin stated "As if we need another mouth to feed!"

Upon hearing this, Bilbo glanced over at Enara who was strolling ahead of him. She had been paying him no attention and Bilbo noticed that she had been doing this for some time. It was the same with the rest of the dwarves. All she seemed to do was eat their food, use their water and then do her own thing

"Kili will be back with his friend soon" Fili stated "Apparently he's nice. And luckily he eats hardly anything"

Kili and another figure came into view over the next hill and the company halted in surprise as they drew closer

"Yeah…" Bifur nodded "And apparently _he's_ a young lass"

He was right. The new addition was in fact a woman. A very young woman, a little younger than Kili with a warm smile on her face

Bilbo's mouth hung open. She was quite possibly the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. She had glossy blonde hair that hung to her shoulders in corkscrew curls. She had bright green eyes that shone gently and perfect, ivory skin with light freckles dotted across her picturesque china doll nose.

"Hello" she smiled and then bowed to Thorin "It is an honour" she smiled, standing up again

Thorin nodded his head "What is your name?" he asked her "Are you a dwarf of the lost mountain?"

"Yes, my lord" she stated "I am indeed a citizen of Erebor. My name is Lianna"

"You may join us" Thorin stated "I'm afraid; however, I can offer you no reward for this"

Lianna looked mildly offended "I do not wish for a reward, my lord. I wish only to help reclaim our home"

"Your loyalty is admirable" Thorin smiled and gestured for her to join the group as they began to walk again

She strode next to Kili until she caught sight of Bilbo. The Hobbit watched as she leaned over to whisper to Kili before he laughed and lead her to the back to walk with Bilbo.

"Lianna" Kili stated overly-grandly in a mocking gesture "May I introduce you to our hobbit burglar extraordinaire, Master Bilbo Baggins"

Lianna smiled "A pleasure" she held out her hand to Bilbo who shook it, perhaps a little too enthusiastically "I've never met a hobbit before"

"And I have never met a dwarf before" Bilbo stated and then cursed himself upon realising that he had been travelling with 13 of them for the last few weeks "I mean…a lady dwarf. Wait…err…a _female_ dwarf"

Lianna blinked rapidly and smiled "Right…okay…"

Bilbo briefly decided to change the subject "So…when did you and Kili meet?"

The girl in front of him blushed a deep pink "Well…"

Kili cut in before she could continue "Oh, well last year I attended a party in Liannas village and quite by chance I ran into her and her gorgeous friend, Emilie. The next thing I know we're all waking up in the same bed…"

Bilbo nearly choked on his own tongue "You what?" he asked, quite forgetting his manners

"I don't actually remember much" Kili continued, as if there was nothing remotely odd about the situation "Too much ale. All I know is Lianna here is _very_ flexible, if you get my drift"

"Good god…" Bilbo stated staring at the strangely calm girl who was walking next to him. He quickly snapped out of it "So…are you two courting now?"

The pair burst into wild laughter

"Goodness no!" Lianna shrieked, looking as if she were about to vomit from the hysterics

Kili actually stopped laughing and looked mildly offended before strolling off to join the head of the procession

Lianna stopped laughing as Enara walked over

"Oh, hello" Lianna smiled "I'm Lianna. You can call me Anna if you like. What's your name?"

Enara just looked at her with a blank expression on her face "Enara. Please don't talk to me"

Anna just blinked and turned back to Bilbo "So anyway, what brings you to…"

But she was cut off as Enara jumped in between them and nudged Lianna out of the way

"Excuse me" she smiled sickeningly as Lianna picked herself up off the floor and dusted down her dress

Bilbo watched both girls. Enara was walking much too close to him, almost driving him off the path whilst tried to walk on his other side, attempting to finish her sentence, as a polite girl should

"So anyway" she smiled, pleasantly "Why are you so far from…"

But Enara simply coughed loudly and began to splutter. Obviously she was fine but seemed to be irritated by not having all eyes on her

"Excuse me" Lianna finally interrupted after about a minute of this coughing "But I was attempting to strike conversation with Master Baggins, here"

Enara just glared at her "And _in case_ you hadn't noticed, I was speaking to him before that"

"No your weren't" Bilbo interrupted, oblivious to the idea that Enara was ready to pick a fight over him

"Yes I was" she huffed "And this…" she considered her words "…Tavern whore keeps interrupting"

"Me?" Lianna asked "Tavern whore? Please, love. Take a look at yourself and _then_ tell me who the tavern whore is"

Lianna stepped backwards as she was slapped round the face harshly and all the men stopped

"Did you just slap me?" Lianna asked and Enara nodded smugly "Like a little girl?"

Enara stopped with her sly approach "A little girl? Wha…"

But she was cut off as Lianna drew her fist back and punched her in the nose.

The dwarves 'ooooh'd' as Enara fell the floor, out cold and Lianna crossed her arms and tapped her foot

"Where were we?" she asked Bilbo as she left the dwarves to carry Enara the rest of the way until she woke up

"Ermmm" Bilbo blinked, trying not to answer incorrectly for fear of disembowelment "You asked why I was so far from Hobbiton…"

_**(Yes lovelies, my allegiance has switched from Enara to Lianna. Simply because I am bored of her attitude and Bilbo would look better with a blonde…**_

_**Please review! X)**_


	6. Character invaded footnote

"It sounds wonderful" Lianna smiled as Bilbo continued to chronicle his childhood in the shire

"It was" he smiled "I do miss my home"

Lianna smiled "You and me both"

They continued to walk, Bilbo occasionally glancing across to Kili and Fili, who were carrying Enara between them, looking rather irritated at the weight of the unconscious female

"Is she always like that?" Lianna asked and Bilbo knew she'd seen him glance at her

He shook his head "She's normally quite nice"

"And I'm not?" Lianna asked, offended

Bilbo blinked "I've known you for about a day…"

Lianna gave a huff and stalked off to talk with Ori who was quietly reading as he walked

"Oh dear, of dear" Came two voices and Bilbo wanted to turn around and punch Kili and Fili in the face before decapitating them slowly

"What do you want?" Bilbo asked, irritably

They shook their heads

"Nothing" Fili smiled

"We just wanted to help you out" Kili smiled "She has a crush on you"

Bilbo chortled "As if…"

The brothers blinked "We wouldn't expect you to understand" They chorused "This obviously doesn't happen often to you"

Bilbo folded his arms "I'll have you know that many lovely Hobbit girls have informed me that they were interested in the past. But they were all far too giggly and daft"

Fili laughed "And I suppose they're expected to clean the house and cook the food and raise the children, yes?"

Bilbo nodded "What else would they be doing. They're women"

Kili took a sharp intake of breath "That's a rather dangerous attitude to be taking to a woman. If you married one of our girls they'd probably have _you_ cleaning the house, cooking the food and raising the children. They'd just go out drinking and dancing"

"Then you obviously don't keep your women in order" Bilbo huffed

The two young dwarves glanced at one another, seriousness taking over their normally comical features "Now, that's not fair toward us and also extremely sexist. We don't like your tone"

Bilbo frowned "But you're war-loving dwarves. Women don't do anything in battle so they don't fulfil the main _dwarf_ idealisms, right?"

"I don't suppose you've ever seen a woman give birth, have you Mr Baggins" Kili frowned

Bilbo shook his head "No. I have not"

Fili chuckled "I would much rather have searing hot glass shoved in my eyes and a sword repeatedly thrust into my stomach than have to endure something as hideous as childbirth. Women are to be respected"

Bilbo shook his head, not quite understanding but not choosing to question any further for fear of having the full stages of labour explained to him in particularly graphic detail

"What do I do about Lianna? Or Enara?" He asked, regretting having to beg information from the biggest clowns he'd ever met in his life

Fili and Kili shrugged "Flowers?"

"Yes…but for whom?" Bilbo asked and watched as Fili and Kili looked between themselves and just shrugged

"Sorry…we can't do all the work for you…"

_**Hello my wonderful faithfuls. **_

_**I'm soooo sorry this update took so long, I was stuck with revision and homework**_

_**Fili: Yeah, it took bloody forever!**_

_**Kili: Far too long**_

_**Me: Ermm, excuse me fellas, but who's writing this story?**_

_**Bilbo: I should be, actually. I wrote the original 'There and back again'**_

_**Me: Actually, that was J.R.R. Tolkien **_

_**Bilbo: Who?**_

_**Me: …Never mind**_

_**Sherlock: Let's go John, we have a case to solve…Oh wait…sorry, wrong guy. But you look awfully like a friend of mine…just smaller**_

_**Bilbo: Do I?**_

_**Me: Get out of here before I rewrite you into a trolls cooking pot**_

_**Kili: (Disappears)**_

_**Fili: (Disappears)**_

_**Bilbo: (Disappears)**_

_**Me: Phew, all gone**_

_**Sherlock: Actually I'm still here…**_

_**Me: Get lost!**_

_**Sherlock: (Disappears)**_

_**Sorry about that, my brain spazzed out for a little while**_

_**PLEASE REVIEW x**_


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